Ask yourself how many of your current problems; the ones that haunt you, the ones you feel most guilty about, the ones that make your blood boil; were problems last year too. How many are issues that you have been scared to confront in case you made things worse? I am not sure that our high level of stress comes from all the new stuff we have to deal with, as much as from all the old stuff we never properly resolve. You will feel better when you clear out the clutter of long term, unresolved conflicts. More than likely, the other person will too.

We communicate poorly about difficult issues, both at work and in our personal relationships. We tolerate the toxic behaviour of colleagues; we take verbal abuse from family members; we bite our tongues when faced with lack of consideration from friends. Sometimes we do not speak up at all. Other times we do try, but it is not effective and so nothing changes. We skirt around the real issues, hoping that a hint or maybe a sarcastic comment will do the trick. But have you ever met anyone who could take a hint?

So nothing changes. We put up with the situation, try to ignore it, work around it, minimize the damage it does, until one day, we do, finally, speak up. And inevitably rue that day! We burst out with blame and accusation, emotions run high, and things get worse not better. Since there is no effective discussion of causes or solutions, the problem does not go away. The only change we manage to create is to the relationship, and guess what, we just made that worse! Do you really want to carry on like this?

Where are you not speaking up?
What are you not saying?
With whom are you not facing reality?
On what issues are you keeping quiet?

It is undeniable that you need skill to make really difficult conversations safe. On the other hand, the longer you leave things to fester, the more difficult it is to face them. Set yourself a goal. Promise
yourself that before the week is out you will step up to a conversation in a relationship where there is a problem, and say what is on your mind.

First, select the conversation carefully. Start with a small issue in a safe relationship. Do not start by telling your manager you do not like his management style!

Then plan what you will say. What exactly do you need to talk about? Plan how you will open the conversation, introducing the issue in a way that does not accuse or blame. One of the simplest openings is to ask if you can talk about the issue, being careful to label it in a neutral way. At work, you might say to an employee, Can we talk about your time keeping. If you said, Can we talk about your continual late-coming, you have already put the person on the defensive.

Next, put the facts of the matter on the table. Again, avoid accusations and blame. Facts are just facts, and the more specific and more detailed you make them, the more easily the other person will be able to see how you arrived at your opinion or conclusion about them. In the time keeping example, you might say, I noticed that you came in twenty minutes late yesterday and again this morning.

Now you can offer your opinion, or explain how you feel about the situation. You might say, You are usually very punctual, so I am concerned there may be a problem.

Then ask the person for their information or view of the situation. Remember that there are always two sides to any problem. Once you have given your side of the story, you need to hear from the other person. How do they see the situation? If you have not been accusing when you opened the conversation, they should be able to tell you quite easily. If they react defensively, it is likely that they feel threatened or accused by what you have said or how you have said it, and will be reluctant to speak up.

When you use this approach to improve communication, you make it safe for difficult issues to be brought out into the open where they can be discussed openly. It is only by doing so that they can ever be resolved.